Sweet Sampetra: Season Two
by Harliq and Amsterdam
Summary: Its finally here! All your favorite villains from the Pearls of Lutra are back in this hilarious sitcom and soap opera.
1. The One With Frootloop and the Martians

_Welcome to the isle of Sampetra. A tropical jewel where love is fleeting, secrets lie buried and anything (from nautical adventures to rodents with bikini waxes) is possible…_

Devil-gurl666 says: Hello mortals. All your fav protagonists from the original Sweet Sampetra are back and just as screwed, sassy and comical as you remembered them. So, don't be shy, satisfy your guilty pleasure and indulge yourselves in the riotous Second Season.

**Devil's Advocate says:** Sorry for the excruciatingly long wait, but we were working on some of our other stories for a change.

Ublaz says: Hmmm. You might like your other characters better than us but remember, I provide all the funding for your stories. Without me, you would just be two bums sitting on one of Hell's streetcorners with your shaggy beards, demanding a penny for the poor.

**Devil's Advocate says**: (_Whispered_) He has a point.

Devil-gurl666 says: What? Girls don't grow beards!

Anyways, ENJOY!

P.S.: Do NOT read this unless you've read Season One. You won't get squat.

SWEET SAMPETRA SEASON 2: Season Premier: The One With Frootloop and the Martians 

The ship came gliding majestically out of the mist like some colossal, exotic butterfly. Dark, violet pennants streaming from its mast and rigging, its sleek, ebony hull gracefully slicing the waves. If the Bloodkeel was a floating impassive beast, this baby was a stealthy dangerous predator. Rasconza was in love.

He rushed onto the jetty and there, balanced high on the prow, was a mysterious, silk-swathed (try saying that ten times fast) figure. The fox gazed upon it with a mixture of awe and curiosity.

**A/N**: **Just a _little _confused? Well, here's the story 'till now, leaving off from where our heroes (however unheroic their night ventures might be) were still castaways on that lone, desert island…**

• • •

"Ladies and genitals!"

Several perturbed heads poked around palm trees, and Sagitar whirled to the source of the voice, glowering. Seriously. Being roused at 6:00 in the morning by someone yelling about your genitals was probably infuriating enough to turn the Pope into an axe murderer.

"Retard, SHUT UP! I've got Lady's Speed Stick, and I'm not afraid to use it!"

Barranca's diminutive silhouette was suddenly framed by the carmine sunrise. "Now, now Sagitar, life's not all beer and skittles," he paused at her befuddled look, "Well anyway, I think I've found a way to get off this island… once and for all!"

She frowned. "This better be good."

"Yeah," Ublaz added, "It interrupted my sit-ups."

She heard Rasconza give a melodramatic sigh, "Yeah, and it interrupted my ponderings on how this island's looking more and more like an insane asylum."

That was the leader of the Rebel Crew for you. If he ever sounded optimistic, the mafia had abducted him and replaced him with a Rasconza look-alike. And you thought the mafia only employed humans. Amateur.

Barranca smiled, content that for once in his rather uneventful life, all eyes were on him.

"Well," He explained "It goes sumthin' like this: using mainly inflatable bras, we make a raft and paddle our way out with thongs…"

The mammals exchanged freaked-out eyebrow raises.

"Yeah, one problem with your little lingerie getaway there," Ublaz argued, fiddling distractedly with his manicured paw-nails, (_manicured! _Cringe) "Sagitar doesn't wear an inflatable bra and even if _Rinj _does its hardly enough to support all five of us. Not mentioning Craig and the lizard monitors, that is."

"Pah, the filthy reptiles! They can stay stranded for all I care…anyway how do _you _know that Sagitar doesn't wear an inflatable bra, huh?"

A blush rose unbidden to the Emperor's cheeks. Luckily, he was saved further embarrassment by the mellifluous _dring _that could only mean a cell phone.

"_Excusez-moi_" Ublaz wrenched the so-thin-it-could-slide-between-your-two-front-fangs cell from a velcroed pocket in his cargos.

"Yeah this is Ublaz….Melissa?…how did _you _get this number?….this is a secure line you know….from a ferret secretary in Gucci sunglasses? Well, this is an extremely bad time so I'm afraid I'll have to call you back …not as important as what I'm going through right now….no, wait I didn't—

Ublaz stared at the phone's coloured screen for a couple of milliseconds, which now read _call ended. _He flipped it shut and looked up, only to be met with a series of wide-eyes and open-mouthed gapes.

"_What?"_ He said.

"_Someone _just _hung-up_ on Ublaz.." Barranca looked completely and utterly flabbergasted. Such a thing had never happened before.

"_Someone _didn't tell us he had a cell phone the whole freakin' time." Sagitar said, her voice low and dangerous. She was no longer stunned, only livid with a sizzling anger.

"Forgot." He responded, undisturbed "My bad." He turned and began sauntering back towards the camp.

"Ublaz!" the she-rat hissed grabbing him by the forearm and whirling him around so that he was forced to face her. "What do you mean, _forgot?"_ She could hear Rinj cackling something about "this could get nasty" into Rasconza's tar-tipped ear but she chose to ignore it.

She could tell he was trying to put on an apologetic air. She really felt like slapping him. She would have, but she didn't want to give Barranca the satisfaction of yelling "Ooh ! Ublaz got bitch slapped!" or give Rasconza the satisfaction of thinking he could have her. Right. In his porno foxy dreams he would.

"Look," The pine-marten mumbled, "I didn't want to waste my minutes."

"Sure Ublaz, and I still haven't hit puberty."

Barranca's eyes went even _wider, _which Sagitar hadn't thought possible.

"Seriously?" The ferret queried " But Sag,…your boobs, they're like ginormous …Wait a minute" He turned to Ublaz, pointing an accusing finger. "Hahahahaa! I was right, she _does_ wear an inflatable bra! You suck, rich-man! You suck!"

Sagitar rolled her eyes. _Barranca_: getting carried away as usual. "Have you ever heard of a little thing called sarcasm?"

"Orgasm?"

"Not that again." Ublaz ground his sharp teeth in frustration. "You know where you can shove your sex jokes, Barranca."

"Yeah," Sagitar cut-in "And that was so, like, twenty-four hours ago"

"Fine," The ferret harrumphed, "I'll just go hang with my best friends, Rasconza and Rinj." He skulked off, spraying upturned sand with his foot-paws as he went. "Oh, and Sagitar," He added, over his shoulder, "_You and Ublaz _were so twenty-four hours ago." And then he was gone.

Sagitar turned her full wrath back to Ublaz. "Okay Emperor, give me that phone. We're calling the Coastguard and getting the hell outta here."

Ublaz hesitated. Wasn't _he_ supposed to be giving the orders? She snatched the cell from his paws anyways and punched in the numbers.

_Dring_…_dring_…_dring_…._drin_—

"Hello…?

"Coastguard, rescue sensation for the nation. How may we help you?" declared an oddly familiar voice with inflated enthusiasm.

"Craig?" Sagitar cried.

"Hey chief, wassup?"

"Wait a minute—You're stuck here with us! Why the hell are you answering the Coastguard's phone calls?"

Ublaz looked at her frankly. "Uh…Sagitar? I own the Coastguard."

She sighed despairingly. "Ublaz, you, like, own the world!"

Ublaz couldn't help an evil little smile. "Yes, mostly."

• • •

Finally, they called Romsca and she agreed to come give them a lift, after much flattery from Ublaz ("You really are the best secretary I've had, or at least the hottest one." Ha. Ha. Ha. My ass.)

And after a harrowing ride over the restless seas, Sagitar being crammed in the backseat of a roaring Sikorsky executive helicopter between Craig, Rinj and Rasconza while Ublaz and Romsca chatted amiably up front (Barranca had been wedged in the trunk with the lizard monitors, poor guy ) they alighted on the rooftop helipad. Home on Sampetra.

"So what now, brown cow," Barranca said as he swung lazily in his hammock aboard the _Bloodkeel_.

"At least this time he's addressing us as a farm animal and not by our sexual reproductive organs," Rasconza murmured.

Sagitar stood wearily, "Hey, anyone other than me hungry?"

"Yeah, if we'd _had_ food, I wouldn't have gone and got myself abducted by reptiles in the first place," Rasconza grinned sardonically, "But we can always eat Barranca."

The ferret gasped. "You wouldn't!"

"My, my," Sagitar ran her tongue slowly over her lips, "He does look kinda tasty."

"Okay, Sagitar," Barranca said, "That's not scaring me, just making me _really _horny."

She rolled her eyes. "God, I'll never understand you guys."

"I don't think you wanna."

Rasconza stared wistfully out the circular window, not seeming to be taking any of this last exchange in. Barranca waved a furry paw in front of his face.

"Yoo hoo," he yodelled, "Come in, we have a problem…"

"Yeah, whatever, Houston." Rasconza rose abruptly to his feet. "I think someone just rode into our jetty."

"I better go check it out." And without further ado, he left the galley.

"Okay, Sag," Barranca whispered, once he was sure the fox was out of ear-shot. "We are going to swap Rasconza's toothpaste for Laxative."

"Huh? _Laxative_?"

"Yeah, you know that crazy shit that makes you…err, shit like crazy."

Sagitar grimaced. "You are one sick little dude."

"So they tell me."

• • •

The ship came gliding majestically out of the mist like some colossal, exotic butterfly. Dark, violet pennants streaming from its mast and rigging, its sleek, ebony hull gracefully slicing the waves. If the Bloodkeel was a floating impassive beast, this baby was a stealthy dangerous predator. Rasconza was in love.

He rushed onto the jetty and there, balanced high on the prow, was a mysterious, silk-swathed (try saying that ten times fast) figure. The fox gazed upon it with a mixture of awe and curiosity.

• • •

Ublaz was in his hot tub with Mandy, consuming some rather delicious yam ice cream (very expensive and imported from Turkey) when Romsca poked her head around the door with a message.

"You have a visitor at the gates, sire. Would you like me to see her in?" Yam ice cream, in a hot tub? How do you say _queer_—maybe some kind of dirty meaning or something? Doubtful.

"Did she leave a name?"

"No, but I really don't think it's a good idea."

"Why?"

"Well…" Romsca lowered her voice, like the visitor could even hear her, "She dressed really weird, like multicoloured scarves and big tacky earings… like a freaking gypsy!"

Ublaz looked frankly surprised, maybe even a little scared. Then of course, he was back to his dapper self. "Dismiss her, Romsca. Tell her I'm out." He would have to investigate this himself.

"Yeah, okay." She retreated out the door, a little pensive.

Mysterious Gypsy Girl On Emperor's Doorstep. Romsca could already smell a story. Or maybe it was just the yams.

• • •

Over the languid creaking of the _Bloodkeel_'s timbers, the ship's gentle rocking, and Barranca's conspiratorial snickering, (not to mention her overall lack of sleep and booze on the island) Sagitar drifted into a fitful doze. However, in the very climax of her bizarre daydream (Martians had seized Sampetra, Barranca was retching in the toilet, shouting "A pirate's life for me!", and Ublaz had transformed into a high-profile mobster they called "Frootloop") she was pulled from her reverie by some raucous laughter nearby.

Still half asleep, and quite disoriented, she staggered down the corridor, and swung the door open.

Ublaz was sitting on his own in a corner, clutching a bottle of rum, while Barranca and Rasconza were cackling and grinning companionably a at certain pine marten. Sagitar squinted at her. Clad in strange, vibrant colours from head to footpaws, she was beginning to look like a…

"Martian!" Sagitar screamed, jabbing a claw at the newcomer.

Everyone whirled around to stare at her. Ublaz rose to his feet.

"Uh…Sagitar, this is—"

Sagitar granted him a fierce glare. "No, Frootloop. You don't know what you're dealing with," then she turned back to the pine marten, "Invader, I am no fool! I know where you're hiding that shrink-ray!"

"Someone forgot to take their pills," Barranca said, then snatched Ublaz's bottle of rum and clubbed her over the head with it.

There was a pause, and Sagitar stood there, looking even more maddened with alcohol drenching her face…then she began to yell and scratch feverishly at her eyes.

"It burns! IT BURNS!"

"Drat," Ublaz scowled, "That was my last bottle."

Rasconza looked at the emperor incredulously, "Jeez man, don't you mean that was my last chief Trident-rat left who hasn't succumbed to madness? God, show some compassion."

Sagitar, now fully awake, glanced around her in confusion, "Whaaa..? How did I get here?"

"Oh, never mind that," Barranca motioned to the newcomer with a flourish, "Sagitar, may I present to you Melissa…. Ublaz's…er…"

"Ex," the gypsy pine marten smiled mysteriously then added in a confidential murmur, "But he's still not over me yet, isn't that right Ublaz?"

Ublaz glared at them from his corner, obviously still pissed due to the rum. "What? I broke up with her cause she was a homicidal maniac. Good in bed though…"

"Lovely," Rasconza groaned, "Now, if I'm not the only one who _doesn't_ wanna hear about this than let's change the subject, shall we?"

They immediately broke into some conversation or other, Rinj coming in later, only to have Ublaz confide in her (much to her irritation) now that the rum was gone. Sagitar only heard bits and pieces of it though. Barranca and Rasconza seemed to be utterly enthralled by Melissa, hanging on to her every word. There was something, however the ex-chief trident-rat didn't think was quite right with her… something fishy.

Finally the gypsy stood up, yawning, "Oh, I think I'll get back to my ship to get some sleep. It was a long journey here."

But Rasconza and Barranca wouldn't hear of it.

"You can sleep in the captain's cabin if you want," the fox offered, granting her a roguish grin. Sagitar rolled her eyes. _We all know what happens in the captain's cabin_.

"Nah, that place is filthy and smells like your grandma," Conva's little bro objected, "You can sleep in my room."

"Hey, you wanna go, little freak?" Rasconza challenged him, getting cocky.

Barranca sighed and turned away… then whirled around, kicking the unfortunate fox in that painful place between his legs.

Rasconza crumpled to the ground instantly, shooting the ferret a vile look, "You know what, you kick like a freakin girl."

Barranca broke into hysterical laughter; the fox's voice had gone unnaturally high.

"Whatever you say, chipmunk!" he turned to Melissa, "Let's go, babe."

Then he stuck his tongue out atRasconza, and sauntered down the hall, Melissa in tow.

An awkward silence fell over them as they watched Rasconza writhing with agony on the floor. After a while, Rinj sighed.

"Well, some lady's man Barranca turned out to be."

"Yeah, I think Ublaz was setting him a bad example," Sagitar grinned.

Ublaz looked defensive. "Hey, I'm not trying to be a role model here—I'm just trying to take over the world. Anyways, what do you guys think of Melissa?"

Rinj and Sagitar both coughed simultaneously, "Ahem hem, _whore_."

"She's a freaking sexy beast!" came Rasconza's squeak from below.

"If you like porn stars," Sagitar stepped over the fox and crossed to the door. "Now, I'm gonna go finish my beauty sleep."

Rinj started at the idea of staying alone with Ublaz, "Yeah, I'm coming too."

"Fine, leave me here with that wretched creature," Ublaz scowled at the writhing Rasconza.

Sagitar hastened down the narrow corridor. She yawned; hopefully this time she wouldn't have any dreams about martians…

"Uh, Sagitar, wait up."

The ex-chief trident-rat gave Rinj a curious stare. _Like she ever even tries to talk to me._

"What?"

"You don't like that Melissa girl much, do you?"

"You kidding? She's such a faggit."

"Yeah, well I found this in her pocket," Rinj reached into her jeans and pulled out a… knife. And if was crusted with dark stains that reminded Sagitar of something not so pretty.

"Ewww, what the hell?" she thought about it for a moment. Why would Rinj be looking in her pockets? She glanced at the other rat suspiciously, "Where you like a pick-pocket or something in your country?"

"…No."

"Street Urchin?"

"What do you care!"

"Jeez, jeez, don't get your panties in a twist," Sagitar examined the knife more closely, "What if Ublaz was telling the truth? What if," she looked at Rinj in horror, "Melissa really is a homicidal maniac?"

Rinj glared at her, "Don't be stupid, of course she isn't. She hasn't killed any of us yet, has she?"

"Not _yet_!"

"Okay, okay, do you want to hear my plan or not?"

Now Sagitar was all ears. "Plan?"

"Yeah. Melissa is meeting Ublaz tomorrow night at ten o'clock. I think we should listen in and find out a little more about her."

"Hmmmm," Sagitar gave Rinj a knowing smile, "I know what this is about. You just want to find out if Ublaz really still has feelings for her, cause you want him for yourself!"

Rinj gave her a frosty glare. "No."

"Whatever you say…"

"Hey, what are you two doing alone out here?" Ublaz passed them in the hall, a new bottle of rum in hand.

"Sorry to disappoint you but we're not lesbians, frootloop." Sagitar mocked. Hmmm. Maybe it was worth going to go spy on him. This would definitely be interesting, and maybe she could sell any info to Romsca for those Gucci sunglasses…

"Don't you ever call me frootloop again!" Ublaz said before striding down the hall.

"Okay," Sagitar called after him, "Count Chocula!"

_**To be continued…**_

**A/N: **Devilgurl666 says: Hope y'all liked it!

**Devil's Advocate says**: And pleez review. (Excuse the stupid cereal jokes)


	2. The One With Rasconza's Crazy Relatives

Devil-gurl666 says: The second chapter is here!

**Devil's Advocate says: **In which Sagitar and Rinj will go spy on Ublaz's and Melissa's secret meeting. And Ublaz and Melissa are going to get _pretty_ friendly…

**SWEET SAMPETRA SEASON TWO:**

Episode 2: The One with Rasconza's Crazy Relatives 

"Night-vision goggles?"

"Check."

"Pepper-spray?"

"Check"

"Giraffe?"

"…_What_?"

"Oh, just checking if you were really listening to me."

"Right," Rinj said as she stuffed a pair of grappling hooks into the oversized duffel bag.

She looked over the lethal array of weaponry and surveillance equipment they'd packed, giving Sagitar a sceptical glare.

"Hey, where do you get all this stuff anyways, Sagitar, like the black market or something? I mean, you seem really prepared, like you do this a lot…"

Sagitar returned her glare coolly. "So I like to keep an eye out on people once in a while, got a problem?"

"Nope," Rinj gave her a parody of a smile, muttering under her breath, "_Creep_."

"What's that?"

Rinj looked up from her packing innocently, "Oh, nothing."

A few moments later they were padding noiselessly out around the back of Ublaz's fortress, clad from head to toe in slinky black. Sagitar stopped her once they reached the East Wall, and dropped the duffel bag.

"See that window way up there?" she motioned to it with a manicured claw.

"Yuh huh?"

"Well, that's Ublaz's private quarters," She flashed her a mischievous grin, "Luckily for us, I know my way around the castle pretty well."

"Yeah, and no doubt around Ublaz's private quarters too," Rinj muttered.

"Huh?"

"Hey, I didn't say anything."

Sagitar granted her a suspicious look, then swung her grappling hook several times over her head before letting it fly. The clasp caught neatly on the windowsill. Sagitar gave it a hard tug for good measure, and began the long climb to the top.

Rinj narrowed her eyes as she watched her scale the sheer wall. _Show-off._ She took her own hook from the duffel bag; it was so heavy she nearly dropped it.

_Here it goes_, she thought dubiously_, if this hook happens to skewer a certain trident-rat through the back, well… she'd known the risks._

The climb turned out a lot harder than Sagitar made it look. There was much sliding and scrabbling endlessly with the slippery stone wall before she even made it half way. By the time she reached the windowsill she was gasping and panting, and nursing a few broken nails.

"Have fun?" Sagitar teased.

Rinj rolled her eyes, "The time of my life."

"Okay, now Ublaz and Melissa might already be in there, so we want to be _really _careful when we're peering up to have a look," Sagitar explained, "How 'bout we have a go on the count of three, ready?"

Rinj nodded.

"Okay. One… two…"

"Hi guys!"

Both girls let out a shriek as Barranca poked his head over the windowsill. Sagitar even drew her pepper-spray before realising it was only him.

"Whoa Sag, no need for that."

"Don't call me 'Sag', Bar."

"Alrighty, jeez."

Rinj sighed, "Okay Barranca, what are you doing in there while Ublaz and Melissa are having a private meeting?"

"Oh, they aren't having one yet, but they'll be coming soon. I came here to spy on them just like you guys," he gave them a roguish grin, "I seduced a maid to let me in."

"_Uh huh_," Sagitar frowned.

"Okay, okay, I snuck in with the food supplies. But a girl can dream… er guy. Guy can dream."

Sagitar and Rinj exchanged bewildered looks, then let Barranca help them up into Ublaz's private quarters. The three of them surreptitiously snuck behind a velvet drape, where they waited. Albeit impatiently.

"This is so cool," Barranca whispered, "we're like Charlie's Angels… I call being Lucy Liu!"

"Yeah, you do that," Sagitar glanced down at the little ferret, "Hey, is that my shirt you're wearing?"

"Oh, yeah. I didn't have anything black of my own to wear, so I borrowed it."

"It looks very…" she looked over the tight little tank-top with 'rich bitch' written across the from in pink and suppressed a giggle, "…interesting on you."

"Why thank you… Oh shhhh! Here they come."

Rinj heard voices outside, and the sound of a key rattling in the lock. The door creaked open and Ublaz entered, closely followed by a smiling Melissa.

"Ah, the bedroom," she purred, "Brings back old memories, doesn't it Dustin?" She was wearing a silky scarlet dress, cut daringly low over her décolletage and she'd painted her lips dark red.

The Latina rat dislodged a wad of silk fabric that had somehow found it's way under her claws. She stopped abruptly. "Wait. Hold on a sec. _Dustin_? Who's _Dustin_?"

Sagitar and Barranca shrugged.

"Beats me."

"Hey!" Barranca hypothesized, "Maybe it's one of those, you know, Dirty Pet-names like Sex Kitten or Horny Bob."

"_Dustin_, _Horny Bob_?" Sagitar glared at him frankly, " Those names would so _not_ turn me on."

"Does _Barranca_ turn you on?" This comment earned him a cuff on the head from the ex-chief trident-rat.

"Oh, shut up." Rinj strained her ears, trying to catch what went on between the Emperor and his old flame. "And stop flirting with each other," She warned.

She peered around the hanging once more.

"Memories, hmm?" Ublaz drew Melissa close, his voice low and alluring, "And good ones too."

Rinj shuddered. She wasn't really sure why. Maybe the sound of his voice made her skin crawl.

Melissa grinned, " I think you've had one too many drinks tonight, Dustin. Perhaps we should go get a bite to eat or something."

"Oh, I'm perfectly sober, Melissa," He lifted her chin, bringing her lips level to his own, "and I don't want to get a bite to eat. There's only one thing that'll satisfy my appetite now."

He cradled her cheek in his paw, kissing her mouth. Hungrily, he deepened the kiss and she sighed, slipping her arms around his neck.

"Typical," Rinj groaned. Ublaz's paw traveled to the small of Melissa's back, unfastening her dress with practised ease, "Er… Sagitar? This might be getting a little erotic for _someone _to see."

They both nodded, then each clamped a paw over Barranca's eyes.

"Hey, jeez, it's not like he's setting a bad example," the ferret protested, "I'll never sleep with a girl like that in my life."

"He's got a point," Sagitar scowled, not relinquishing a bit.

"You know what I just realized," he said, ceasing struggling, "I'm alone behind a curtain with two hot chicks and we aren't even having a threesome. This is pathetic."

"Yes, Barranca," Sagitar touched him sympathetically on the arm, "You are pathetic."

Rinj stole another quick glance around the drape. The two pine martens were now sprawled on the emperor's cot, ensnared in a feisty embrace. All save for their bare shoulders was mercifully hidden from view.

"Come on, guys, let's get out of here," the corsairess murmured, casting her eyes away towards the window pane. Outside, a stretch of inky sky beckoned to her. "There's nothing to see."

She felt oddly thwarted. How she had wanted to uncover something vile or repulsive about this Melissa character. With a frustrated sigh she began to ease open the skylight.

"Holy crud, did you just see that?"

Rinj whirled around.

"What?" She growled, menacing enough to frighten a wildebeest.

Barranca indicated to Melissa. "I swear I saw a flash of silver from her, like a…a _dagger blade_."

"Hold on a sec," Rinj warned, "We want to be sure, before we do anything rash or stupi—"

Sagitar ripped back the curtain, aiming an accusing claw in Melissa's direction and bellowing: "Aha! We caught you, you whore! Right in the act!"

Ublaz rose to his feet, kicking off a sheet of plush Egyptian cotton. Rinj grimaced when she noticed he was clad merely in boxers, and had bewilderment written all over his features. Busted.

"Ok, I'm gonna try to say this as nicely as I can…what the fuck are you three doing?"

"B-but," Sagitar stammered, "She's a psychotic serial killer!"

Since his ex-trident rat was seemingly hopeless, the emperor turned on Rinj.

She shrugged. "Don't look at me— I have nothing to do with this. They just told me they needed help sneaking into your Castle."

"Traitor!" Barranca bellowed.

"Look," Ublaz growled, " I don't what the frick is going on or why you're even here for that matter, but if the Rebel Crew doesn't want to be eating nothing but oranges for the rest of their miserable existences, I suggest you get the crap outta here."

"But we're already eating only ora—"

One murderous glance from the pine marten and Barranca was silent. Melissa, who had been startling silent throughout this whole exchange, finally came forth.

"Some…_interesting _friends you've got, Dustin," she said, sliding easily into his arms. —Rinj wondered how she kept that blanket from slipping right off of her.

The emperor sighed, letting her nestle her head against his chest, "Interesting hardly does these creeps justice." Rinj was offended.

"Oh, and just so you know," Melissa uttered, drawing out a sparkling chain necklace from around her throat, "This is probably what made that flash of silver."

"_Barranca_!"

"Alright, I screwed up, no biggie—"

"You guys better scram, before the oranges are gone too."

Dejectedly, the crestfallen threesome made their way out the skylight. Just as they finished descending the rampart, Rinj peered up, to the window's golden square of light, where two shadows flickered.

"This isn't over yet, Ublaz," she whispered.

●**●●**

"...And then, he said that if we didn't scram, we wouldn't even have oranges."

They were onboard the _Bloodkeel_ and Rasconza had just unwillingly dropped the orange peel he had been so tentatively sucking on.

"That's pretty darn harsh," commented Groojaw, who had been in the midst of playing an intense round of _Go Fish_ with the Rebel Crew Captain.

"What I don't get," the fox queried, **"**Was why you where there in the first place, I mean, for us, it's good news if Ublaz's neck gets slit by one of his little pimpettes—Well, good news for most of us, anyways," he added, throwing Sagitar a hard look.

"_Whaaaat?_**" **

"Ugh. Nothing." He turned to the others, then, in a stage whisper, said: "Sometimes her stupidity really pisses me off."

"Hey, I heard that! Was that an insult?"

Rasconza groaned. "I dunno. You tell me."

"Well, now what?" Rinj asked. She had her feet propped up on one of the galley's bar-chairs.

"We could play _Go Strip, Fish_." Barranca suggested.

"Huh?" the crew chimed in unison, unrehearsed.

"You know, it's like _Strip Poker _except with _Go Fish_ rather than _Poker_."

"Ah," the sarcasm was evident in Rasconza's tone, "Genius."

Sagitar was sceptical. "_Yeeeah_, I don't know if that's a good idea, I mean, after seeing Ublaz shirtless, you guys will look pretty pathetic without clothes."

"Doesn't really matter," Rinj cut in, "They _always_ look wimpy without clothes."

"Hey. I bet _you_ wouldn't look any better shirtless—" Rasconza faltered, "Err, nevermind."

"Okay," Barranca grinned, "It's settled. Let the games begin!"

Moments later, they were all seated around a circular table, their hands of cards drawn protectively close, a dim lantern swinging from the ceiling above. They looked rather ghastly in the dim light.

"Do you have a king?" Barranca inquired Rinj. She considered him over her deck, naked fur concealed only by boxers and a grubby t-shirt,

"I wish I could say yes." She sighed, "But, unfortunately…_go strip, fish_."

Making it as much of a big deal as possible, the ferret yanked the shirt over his head, and wipped it off. It whacked a perturbed Rasconza in the snout.

"Smooth move." He growled, lifting it disgustedly with two fingers and hurling it behind him, "Okay Sag, your turn."

"Got any aces?"

"'Fraid not. You know what that means."

"Hmmm," Sagitar raised an eyebrow suggestively, lifting the hem of her tunic. Just as Rasconza and Barranca surreptitiously leaned forward in their chairs, however, she stopped, and yanked off one of the infamous jean-pink stilettos instead. "Sorry boys."

"I thought we had a no-shoe rule," the fox grumbled.

"_Uh huh_, and I thought we had a no-dagger rule," Rinj shot him a scowl.

"Hey, it was hard parting with those babies; they're like family to me."

"Yeah," she sneered, "If you use family to slit people's throats."

"Actually now that I think about it, I used to call up old Sid and Nancy at the Asylum to do that for me all the time."

The three of them all stared at him in silence.

Rasconza gave an uncomfortable little laugh, "Jeez, can you guys _take_ a joke?"

"Er… moving on," said Sagitar, "It's your turn, Rinj. Hey Groojaw?"

"Yup."

"Get me something drink. Strongest thing you've got. Mind you, don't put anything volatile in it."

"I'll try my best. Oh, and Cap'n?"

Rasconza looked up from peering over at Barranca's cards, "What?"

"Someone's bangin' on the door, should I let them in?"

"Sure, unless it's Ublaz. If it's him, tell him I'm busy pondering the meaning of life."

"Aye aye, Cap'n."

They heard the steersrat's footfalls ascend the galley stairway. They had just turned back to their game, when they heard a piercing shriek rent the night air.

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!"

Cards left forgotten, they all hastened up to the deck. What met their eyes when they arrived, however, was a disturbingly grisly scene.

Groojaw was crouched down beside a distraught Romsca; her paws and designer tube-dress drenched in dark blood.

"Romsca, what happened?" Sagitar gasped.

"This dress was Versace, you know," Romsca snivelled, "And not a fake either, an original!"

"No, not with your dress, with the blood!"

The former corsairess's eyes grew wide. "Oh… It's Ublaz… he…"

"Got his period?" Barranca giggled.

"Died and left everything he owns to me?" Rasconza piped up hopefully.

"He… he…," Romsca sobbed, "…he's been stabbed!"

Then with a melodramatic little sigh, she flopped onto the deck in a heap, fainted.

A long silence fell over the four mammals. Finally, Rasconza rose to his feet, looking uncharacteristically cheerful.

"Well now that the emperor's pushing daisies, I think it's time we all had a fiesta!" He glanced around at the group's dejected faces, "Er… or not."

"No," Sagitar murmured, "She didn't say he's dead; just stabbed. We'll go see him and prove Melissa's the killer."

"With you on that one," Barranca said, "I guess Detective Herbert Scruffogolopomus and Foxy Penelope are back on the case. Let's go."

Sagitar leaned down and snatched up the unconscious Romsca's Gucci sunglasses, slipping them on. "Now, let's go."

"Yup," Rasconza rolled his eyes, "Nothing scarier then a fake-Irish midget and a vengeful, leather-clad fox lady with something to prove."

To be continued… 

Devil-gurl666 says: oooooh, I think that was our most suspenseful cliffhanger yet.

Devil's Advocate says: Muhahaha! Ublaz's fate rests in our manicured (Yeah, I wish) hands!

Review and we might spare his miserable life! …….. just kidding, jeez…


	3. The One With the Figurative Ass

**A/N: **DevilGurl666 says: After an excruciating long wait, here is the next chapter.

**Devil's Advocate says: **oh and there may be some excessive cussing on Barranca and Ublaz's part and some drinking…on everybody's part. Just so you know.

Enjoy!

**SWEET SAMPETRA: SEASON TWO**

**Episode 3: The One with the Figurative Ass**

"_Ublaz_…"

Ublaz battled unconsciousness, yet the eerie voice echoed in his mind…

"_Ublaz…your time has finally come to receive justice for your sinful ways…"_

Startled, the pine marten drew open his eyes, which had grown heavy with fatigue: a cloaked figure swathed in black, hovered before him, features concealed behind a drooping hood.

"Who the frick are you?"

"_Your worst nightmare."_

"What?"

"Nevermind. _I am… Lucifer, the Devil, and this is your time of judgment_!"

Ublaz attempted to rise to his feet, but failed, sinking deeper into this strange coma…or so he thought.

"I didn't think the Devil would be so…_short_." he remarked.

The figure looked insulted, _"He comes in many forms. Now shut-up, or I'll smite you!"_

"Alright, dude. Jeez, I didn't mean no disrespect or anything." Ublaz pondered over it for a moment, "Hey, what did I do to deserve this anyway?"

"_Your sins are too many to list…but I'll just say a few, 'cause I feel like it. First off, we have Envy: you are jealous of Barranca's awesome skills—"_

Ublaz's head was reeling, "Am not—" he protested. The 'Devil' continued without giving him a second glance.

"_Greed: you refused to give up even a small amount of food provisions to the Rebel Crew." _ The figure emitted a series of mock coughs, while muttering under his breath "Fat lard".

The Emperor was just about point out that, in fact, he was probably the fittest rodent on Sampetra, with the exception of Craig. Damn trident-rat.

"_Pride: well, you just seem to think you're the best thing since buttered bread… And Lust, well don't even get me started on Lust. Oh alright, I'll do it anyway: ummm…pimp much? …and that's not mentioning all the wet dreams you've had about Rinj—"_

"Hey!," yelled a disembodied, yet certainly indignant voice.

The 'Devil' whirled on the speaker, "_No comments from the Peanut Gallery_!"

Ublaz blinked. He was sure he'd seen big, hulking bold letters reading _Class of 06 _on the back of the Devil's 'cloak'.

Growing ever the more suspicious, the Emperor rose to his feet, plucking the hood from the intruder's diminutive little head.

"_Barranca_!"

The ferret offered him a vexing smirk. "Sure fooled you, huh."

As Ublaz's eyes grew accustom to the chamber's gloom, four snickering mammals came into view.

The emperor glared at them venomously, "That _so_ wasn't even funny, guys."

"You're right," Rasconza muttered, "it would have been funnier if we'd dissected you while you were unconscious."

"Uh…yeah," Ublaz looked genuinely frightened, "I think I'm gonna have a hard time getting to sleep at night."

"That's for sure," came Rinj's scornful retort, "Now that that slut's taken off."

Ublaz stood abruptly, his voice urgent. "Melissa…? Where is she?"

"She's probably halfway across the ocean by now."

"Frick, not again," Ublaz sighed, collapsing back onto the hospital bed, "Did she steal anything?"

Barranca pretended to think about it.

"Let's see… only a few million dollars, that ornate shower-head thing and some homogenized toothpaste."

There was a moment of flabbergasted silence, before the ferret broke into a fit of unrepressed, rather inhumanly feminine giggling, which honest to god, is just about the scariest thing you'll ever be condemned to witnessing.

"I'm… just… playin'… with… you… dude!" he finally gasped, from he lay upon the hearth, curled in the fetal position, "She just took your credit card."

"_WHAT?_"

"Dude, no need to throw a wobbly or whatever," Barranca reassured him, "It's not like she knows the code."

"_HELL, SHE KNOWS THE CODE! THE CODE'S HER FREAKIN' NAME, SMART-ASS!" _

"Whoa dude, stop talking in caps locks; it's really disconcertin' and shit."

"_HELL, STOP CALLING ME DUDE! I'M NOT YOUR DUDE YOU SICK TURD_!"

Baranca pointed a dramatic claw toward the window, where an azure blue sea lined the horizon. "Well what are we waiting for?," he exclaimed, "After her!"

  

Minutes later, they were hurtling down the coastline in one of Ublaz's high-profile speedboats, bounding across foamy white crests, with the motor's hungry purr in their ears and the sea's salty updraft buffeting their faces.

Craig was at the helm, steering, and Ublaz was at his side, looking vengeful or in "danger mode" as Sagitar put it. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang was below deck, attempting to entertain a rather gloomy Rasconza, who was morning the loss of his one and only true love: the _Bloodkeel_.

"That whore," the fox muttered darkly, accepting a margarita from Sagitar, "She could have taken any other ship, any other one to make her great escape! But, no, _oh no_, she had to make me suffer. She had to take…" his voice faltered a second and they all listened intently, half expecting him to break into sobs, "She had to take my baby! Why, oh why, _god_? Why make an already tortured soul endure such pain? Why take away my sole purpose in life, the only reason for my _existence_?"

"Ohsomebody get me a violin," Rinj groaned, "This is pathetic. The poor guy's making me want to spit myself upon this olive skewer."

"Feel free to oblige," said Sagitar, finishing her seventh mug of grog and already beginning to hiccup, "No one's stopping you."

"Break it up, ladies!" Barranca sneaked a surreptitious swig of Rasconza's margarita, "I won't have no skewered damsels stinkin' up this boat."

"Skewer each other all you like," came the Rebel Leader's morose reply, "It's only my darling _Bloodkeel_ I care about; I don't give a rat's ass about you guys."

Barranca let out an indignant little gasp, throwing his paws up in mock horror, "But I thought you loved me!"

Rinj rolled her eyes, "Tell me why every time we've had a conversation, my ass get's involved?"

"Maybe 'cause it's so fat, J Lo," giggled a now very drunk Sagitar, "Anyways, who said he was talking about _your_ ass?"

"I wasn't talking about any of your asses!" Rasconza groaned, "I was talking about a _figurative_ ass, okay?"

Meanwhile, at the helm…

"Yo, sire, this is one pretty sweet yacht." Craig commented.

"It's a speedboat, Craig."

"Right." The Trident-rat turned to the Emperor, "Look, this is kinda a weird question but I'm just gonna speak my mind, 'cause I know every other dude on Sampetra's thinkin' it too: How are such a…well, chick magnet? I mean seriously, what's the big secret? I want you to teach me, man."

Ublaz sighed, dropping his head into his paws. It was hard enough to concentrate on getting back his credit card without all the useless gibbering of a sex-craving trident-rat.

"You know Craig, I'd like to tell you, but the explanation would involve a lot of big words like testosterone and, um… animal magnetism, so maybe I shouldn't."

"Oh, okay." He looked down dejectedly at his foot paws.

The oceanic navigating radar on the dashboard (how Ublaz got hold of all this high-tech military GPS shit was beyond anyone) began to beep plaintively. The pine marten studied it for a moment.

"We're nearing some cliffs and shoals." He remarked, more to himself than his dim-witted captain.

"I see." Craig lied, wondering what a _shoal_ was.

"Alright, here we go," Ublaz braced himself as the vessel slid into a watery fissure between two stones. He wrestled with the steering wheel on the winding twists and turns of the channel, while Craig was thrown back and forth crazily by the momentum.

"Whoa." Craig murmured dizzily, "That was some skillful driving if I say so myself."

Ublaz grinned suggestively, "Yeah, I handle curves superbly, if you know what I mean."

Just then a dark form appeared on the horizon. As they drew nearer, they began to make out a towering hull armed with vast dark sails and unmistakable streaming red pennants.

"Guys, you had better see this!"

There was the thunder of approaching pawsteps, and soon Barranca, Sagitar, Rinj and Rasconza had assembled on the main deck.

The fox stood, flabbergasted, eyes fastened upon where the _Bloodkeel_ lay ahead.

Ublaz was triumphant, unable to suppress his complacency, "Can't outrun the emperor… _bi_-atch!"

"Can't outrun a hormonal pine martin, his thug, and a haphazard group of pirates who really aren't sure why their here," corrected Rinj, stating the obvious.

Rasconza simply gazed, eyes shining with veneration, at the craft as though being reunited with a long lost lover. One could almost hear Celine Dion crooning in the background.

Using the most popular choice in swashbuckling embarkment gear (a.k.a. grappling hooks), they boarded the craft with silent precision— with the exemption of Barranca, of course, who ended up braining himself on a girder.

As soon as they were aboard, they crept stealthily upon two figures seated at the tiller, while Rasconza threw his arms around the mast and began whispering sweet nothings into the barnacle-infested wood.

Once cast in daylight one of the _mysterious_ figures was revealed as none other than Groojaw, who was lounged in plastic pool-chaise, sipping daintily at a flask of wine.

The other cut a dark feminine silhouette against the sunset, just bringing her own crystal glass to her lips as the motley band approached.

"Ah, my dear Ublaz," you could hear the smirk in that voice, "At the risk of sounding cliché, I've been expecting you."

"Alright Melissa, we know it's you, so cut the crap and give me my credit card." Ublaz demanded.

"Yeah," chimed Barranca, "Before things have to get dirty."

"Melissa?" The shadowy figure chuckled wryly, "Oh, I'm not Melissa."

She whirled herself around to face them. Mischievous ferrety features, heavily glossed smirking lips and a pair of designer sunglasses.

"Romsca." Ublaz hissed.

"That's right," she smiled over steepled, manicured fingers, the picture of a diabolical villainess, "And right now, your precious Melissa is duct-taped in the cargo hold with a time-bomb set on 5 minutes…"

**a/n: **Alrighty, so thanks to all the people who have been dedicatedly reviewing us and giving us feedback. Please continue and REVIEW! It will be appreciated immensely. ;)


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